


The Ice Emperor and The Snow Caretaker

by 4spir3_2_Writ3



Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, I mean, I swear, I'm not a stan shipper, crackfic, not really but, smpearth - Freeform, they're just cute together, this is a joke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:34:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22983355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4spir3_2_Writ3/pseuds/4spir3_2_Writ3
Summary: Technoblade is the most feared man in the world, but what happens when a spritely and brash young woman gifts him a companion that he, oh so needs?
Relationships: Allanah | Afitzy/Dave | Technoblade
Comments: 3
Kudos: 47





	1. Teaser

Netherite was the hardest piece of item to collect in the world, especially since it came from old debris and needed to be forged with iron ingots, but, as time goes on, power eventually overshadows the difficulty. Absolute power, was one of the things the Ice Emperor of the Atlantic Empire had.

And he didn't just have it, he stocked on it, imbued it, he even gave away his only goal to show the peasants of the world how powerful he was.

Giving over the world was a difficult task, one that needed him to defeat his greed, but he did. And the world learned to fear his name, the people knowed to bow down in awe. The leaders learned that the unkillable, stoic, and outright bored god among men was one they should stay away from conflict from.

Still, he earned the right to be the first to obtain netherite. The right to be the first to use it in combat and ingeniously use it to power his beacon. Which gave him the power to be the most dangerous man in the world.

He sat on the throne of his fotress, unentertained, uncertain, unhappy. Even after proving himself to the world, why was he still empty? Why did he have the same monotone and emotionless voice as before?

Why is it that the Ice Emperor felt... cold?

"Phil?" Technoblade looked at his most loyal subject, "Why do I feel unfulfilled? All this power, all the dominion... yet... it just feels like something is missing."

Philza furrowed his brows at the question, he was a bit surprised by it. The man with the hat never really thought the day would come where they got everything they wanted, he was fine, but the question brought by Technoblade had him at a standstill.

"Maybe you need a pet again, sir. Something to care for." Phil answered his question, the answer itself left more questions but, it did its job.

Techno's head perked up upon the mention of the idea, "A... pet? You say?" The emperor went deep into thought as he remembered the days when he cared for other people, people that weren't his loyal subject. Floof, his trusted dog. Kara's gifted cats. The memories flooded over him like a storm, only to be washed down by remembering that his mortal enemies, Deo and Tommy, had killed all of them in their wars against each other.

"But... all of my pets... they end up dying to the hands of the dreaded Business Bay..." Techno shook his head and stood up from his throne.

"Then, we'll send a message to all the nations..." Philza nodded.

"To find a pet that can survive the harsh environment of the Antartic Empire." Pete, the boomer king, stood up from his seat as well.

Technoblade could do nothing but smile at his two most trusted friends, "You guys are the best."

\-----

The message spread far and wide, find the emperor a pet that can survive him. And earn 10 diamond blocks.

"Ughhh... my baaaack..." The raspy, yet childishly tired voice of Allanah spread through her house, the ruler known as Afitzy set her land in the Americas, the north, to be specific. She aptly named it, Ice Empire, as it was very icy in the northern regions of the American Continent, also because she was a slave to the Antarctic Empire. But... she doesn't like to talk about that.

Allanah picked up Alfred, the tough little chicken, "You're getting a new owner... to a land... better than here..." she muttered to the bird as she walked forward to the coast nearby.

In all fairness, she wasn't in it for the money, no. Alfred was very lonely, especially since his owner was very busy with constructions, collaborations and even taking care of other pets. She figured, if Technoblade really wanted a pet, then that meant if he took Alfred, the chicken would live a lavish, and comfortable life, not like the icy, cold, and barren life that he had right now. Allanah only cared that Alfred was getting a new home, where he could be healthy and thrive.

There was just one problem, the chicken couldn't lay fertile eggs, it kept blanking every time they cracked. And that was what made her nervous.

But, she trudged on forward as she took Alfred with her in her boat and sped along to the Antartic Empire's Fortress.

Allanah was late, very late. The fortress walls were near their closing time, but she managed to speed along through and make it to the halls.

Technoblade sat in his throne, stoic as ever as he tilted his head at what the female had brought. Christ, how could one man with pink hair be so intimidating? 

"Y-your majesty, I bring you, Alfred the chicken." Allanah presented the bird to the emperor, which the tall man lifed up, and dropped down from 20 feet from his enlarged throne, "W-wait!-"

To the girl's surprised, Alfred was unscathed to the fall, his wings let him slow his fall down. 

"Interesting." Technoblade furrowed his brows and jumped down to the chicken. In a twist of fate, the chicken layed not one, not two, but four eggs, which led Allanah to facepalm.

A touch of a fire aspect sword later and the eggs cracked, but brought, nothing to yield. Not one chick.

"What is this? A chicken that dares defy me? One that's stupid enough to not yield eggs in the Antarctic Empire. One that looks me in the eye straight?" Techno squinted his eyes at Allanah, before looking back at Alfred.

"I love it, I'll take him." The Emperor said in the most sincere voice possible.

Allanah heaved a sigh of relief before realization set in, she looked at the pink-haired ruler in shock. "W-w-wait... what?"


	2. An Aftermath

Allanah stood in silence as she looked at the ten diamond blocks that layed unmolested on the outside of her house. It had been a day after Alfred found a new home, the blocks were delivered by Philza himself. Who had taken the liberty to give the shulker box as well. The greeting, well could've gone a lot better. And by that, she was absolutely tongue tied with how absolutely random the Ice Emperor's pet preferences were.

She wasn't complaining, of course.

But, why would anyone get a pet just for them to be defied?

"Oh right, cat people." Allanah reminded herself, as she watched Mini-Techno lick the diamond blocks in front of her. 

Mini-Techno was a pig that she had found lying around cold near her home when she was defeated by Time Deo in battle.

She named him Mini-Techno because they had similar squees, squees? Squeals? She didn't know the word, but the pig and the Emperor liked saying, 'Heeeh?' when they were confused about something, plus Technoblade's pink hair, and the fact that he was raised by zombie pigmen.

She always wondered if the tales were true, how the male grew up. How he fell into a nether portal when he was a baby while his parents were wiped from the clutches of the Green Cumulon. How because of it, he could evade a ghast's fire charge and even blow it back, how he mastered the bow with skeletons. Maybe they were tall tales, but she didn't dare ask. After all, if the so called Ender Dragon Slayer gave his egg to him because of absolute fear, then you'd be intimidated too.

The pseudo-ruler known as Afitzy just shrugged off the inner monologue like she usually did and placed the blocks in her home, before taking two and placing them in her bag, after all, the blocks could be cashed in to the world bank and added to her bank account.

How much she had in her bank? She didn't know, probably low 3 digits, since she didn't really visit the place that much. 

She was a little happy that instead of setting her land free, they just gave her the blocks. After all, they did kind of enslave her and her land. But they were nice enough to leave her alone and didn't bother with all the villainy, they just really needed her land to make their farms because the Antarctic Empire was very barren. Granted, the Ice Empire was kind of barren as well but at least it could produce food in the form of crops.

They usually just ask her to harvest the crops and put them in storages where Pete could come by and pick them up. It was a fair deal, she does what she wants, they get their crops, the land doesn't get sacrificed to the blood gods.

Anyway, what was she doing again? Oh, yeah, world bank. Kingdom of Jordan.

"Boat." The female muttered and hopped on the floating vessel before rowing her way to the European Continent to make her way to the Middle-East.

\-----

"Sire, I don't mean to be rude but... why did you pick a chicken of all things to keep as a pet?" Was the only thing Philza had wanted to say after the worldwide pet search for the Ice Emperor. 

"Yeah, I mean, it can lay eggs... but what more?" The boomer king, Pete, couldn't help but add.

The two were just left perpetually confused by the Emperor's decision to take the chicken, granted it had survived being yeeted into oblivious yesterday, but, what was it going to do, cluck on the Emperor until he's entertained?

Long answer, Technoblade found anything that seemed out of the ordinary interesting, and so an animal of all people could stand in front of him, with no tinge of fear in their eye, and not have any problems quite interested him.

Short answer, yeah.

Technoblade paid no mind to his subjects as he looked at the chicken, pecking on his diamond boots.

"Yes, Alfred. No fear, none, even as you peck the boots of the most feared person in the world." Technoblade monologued to himself.

The pair of subjects looked at each other, shaking their heads. 

"The emperor needs therapy."

"Agreed."

\-----

Allanah sighed softly as after a day long trudge from the desert, fighting off seasickness and almost getting lost midway through her trip landed her in the Kingdom of Jordan, ruled by the legendary Jordan Maron, or his more known title, Captain Sparkles.

The female had no idea where the title came from, but she never questioned it. I mean, the Newfoundland conqueror Wilbur Soot had Soot as an actual last name. It seemed to be a custom to have an outrageous name when you were a ruler. Except for her, she was AFitzy as dubbed by Technoblade, why?

He just felt like it.

And what would anyone else do when the most feared man on the face of the Earth named you something? 

Allanah shrugged her inner monologue off again as she reached the capitol of the Kingdom of Jordan, the precious world bank. Where everything could be traded, dealt and bought.

And they mean, everything, the infamous Business Bay CEO, Tommy Innit, was even dealing out slave villagers one time.

How that man was still standing after his country being decimated and calculatedly bankrupted by the Antarctic Empire, she did not know.

But now was not the time for pity, now was the time to cash in the fucking diamond blocks.

She found herself at the mineral trading center of the bank where everyone dealt out minerals of all kinds, she brought out her bag and grabbed the two diamond blocks, until she felt a rumbling from inside one of them. 

"What the heck?" Allanah furrowed her brows as she felt around the block, she felt a fine line coming from the middle of the chest, and then in the middle of one of the sides was a pop-lock of sorts. The girl pressed on the lock and the block seperated.

She just stood there in confusion, had the Antarctic Empire just swindled her out of a diamond block? How could they? They were the richest and most powerful nation in the world. There has to be something else.

Thinking that, she went ahead and lifted the diamond top, before being given the biggest surprise of her life.

She just stood there flabbergasted of what was inside of the diamond box.

It was a block of Netherite. Fucking Netherite.

Allanah just looked up at the sky and pumped her fist meekly, "I am having a good day..." she muttered.

\-----


End file.
